transgressings | inbox for duplicity;

I wrote something.

[ He feels awkward about admitting as much. No part of him ever thought of himself as an artist, or a writer. But. ]

Do you want to see?

I would be honored if you'd like to share it with me.

Okay.
A friend asked me to write something bout forgiveness.
Mostly think I wrote it for my kid.

[ There's another long pause before he sends it over. But he does, in the end. ]

Once, there was a family of cats that lived in the woods. They didn’t look like each other and they didn’t have the same mother or father, but they found each other and swore to each other, You are mine and I am yours. They swore this in blood, and it was understood, and they carried it for years as they moved through the world. They had no home, so they took one, and they carried that oath with them as they fought for that home and lost it and fought again to find another, until they came to the place in the woods, with shielding branches and the roots stretching down deep. And their leader, the sister cat who was wise and fierce, said, This is ours now.

And because she was wise, and fierce, and they loved her so, the others agreed. This is ours now. We will defend it and so we will keep it.

And they fought in the dark, and under the sun, under all the skies. They fought rats from below and birds from above, and they kept this place they’d found. They fought for their home, and it was theirs. And when they stilled and cleaned the blood from their claws, it was good.

Then, one day, another group of cats came. And the family went out into the dark yet again to fight for their home, to keep what they’d taken. It was a fierce battle. In the end, the dead walked in the shadows watching the living, and the brother cat, sick with sorrow for all they had lost, went to challenge the leader of their enemy. He didn’t hear the sister cat calling him back, so sick was he to bring their enemy to the ground, and it cost their family dearly.

More dead gathered in the shadows. When they walked home, they walked with blood and yet greater loss. And the brother cat was sick again with all that he had done, though it hadn’t yet killed him. He said to the sister cat, What will you have me do?

Here, he thought she would cut his ears, or have him bring her the heads of all their scattered enemies or find yet more enemies before they had a chance to become enemies and bring her the bones. Here, he thought she would have him cross the wine dark river that bordered their home and come back alive or not at all.

The sister cat said, Bring us something we need. And she sent the brother cat out into the dark.

What do we need? he thought. We need to be strong, he thought, so he went over to the wine-dark river, and he swam across to the other side despite the rocks and the reeds and the grasping things underneath trying to pull him under. Only a strong thing could survive the river, he thought, and if I drown, I am not strong, and they will be better without me. But if I survive, then they will be stronger for it. But as he lay on the bank, he realized this was not enough.

So, he went out into the dark and found the rats hiding on the border of the woods and he fought them and when it was done, he took their teeth from their skulls and said, surely this is enough. Surely, we this is something we need and they will forgive me.

But it was not enough. And so he went back into the dark, and the wine-dark river, and he dove down to the very bottom even though he could not breathe and he held himself there until he was sure he would die, until he could see the dead massing on the shore and waiting for him, and only then did the alligator that lived in the river come out. The alligator swam close to devour the brother cat, believing him dead and drowned, only the brother cat was not dead, and swung with his claws to piece the alligator’s eyes. They thrashed and bled and nearly drowned yet again, but the brother cat took the alligator’s eyes and then his life and they floated to the surface and laid upon the bank and the brother cat thought, Surely, this is enough. Surely, this is what we need.

Then the brother cat realized he was bleeding, that the alligator’s teeth had pieced his side. And though he had not made it back home to his family and the sister cat, he felt only a little sorrow.

Surely, he thought, this is enough. Surely, I have brought them something they need. And the sky darkened and he thought he would die, but the shadow over him wasn’t the sky but instead the sister cat, and she held his side and sewed him back together, and he did not die. And she said, This is enough.

And he said, Which part?

You, she said.

Because I bled? he asked.

No, said the sister cat. Because you changed.

Oh, said the brother cat, and they sat on the bank, and they watched the sun rise over the wine-dark water.

Come home, said the sister cat.

Okay, said the brother cat.

[ if it's a longer time before she replies, it's only because she's reading it more than once — letting herself absorb his words, letting the story wash over her, and then starting over from the beginning so that she can glean new details that she might not have picked up previously. ]

This is lovely, Brandon. Evocative, and poignant.

Is it about your own world, in part?

[ it feels personal enough to her, given what context she holds, that she would be surprised to learn if the opposite were true. ]

Parts of it.

[ It’s not easy to write these things, to let them breathe in the open air instead of swallowing them down with the rest of his ghosts. But he tries. He showed her, in the end. ]

He liked cats. My kid.

[ There’s a lot left unspoken there. Pain, and grief, and a quiet sort of love. ]

We tried to catch him one. A pet, not food.

There's a cat here, you know. I'm not certain if you've met her yet.

I brought her home with me back when I was still living at the townhouse. She's quite the independent hunter, but I think she's been missing some... more human company.

[ In other words, someone actually in possession of their own natural body heat and a pulse. ] I never had the heart to name her. She's always struck me as the type of cat who already knows its true name. What need would she have for me to give her one?

I haven't. I'd like to if that's okay.

[ He likes animals. Or he did once, before the world narrowed things down. ]

Maybe you can ask her. If there's a spell for that or something.

Of course. She can be very particular in her affections, but I believe such things are in a cat's nature.

That hadn't occurred to me. Perhaps Grayson would know of one.

Figure that's true. I had some cats growing up. Most of them were feral but they'd let me pet them sometimes.

Maybe. Might be fun to find out.

She is a rather self-sufficient animal, but from previous experience, she does enjoy the occasional snuggle.

Edited 2023-06-06 15:32 (UTC)

You'll have to introduce us.

I shall. Whenever you'd like.

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