Is it the way of all gods, he wonders, to strike at mortals when they're vulnerable? To claim them when they have little hope of resistance? It angers him to think of her toyed with so, just as Marc had been. His brows pinch tighter at this new knowledge. The goddess in question was never known to be malevolent... He lets it go. She didn't claim her. The one who did made her suffer but also honed her strength and was ultimately thwarted if not entirely defeated.
Her hand is little more than pressure. He drops his gaze to cement his awareness of the hold. This, too, is a relief, driving away the final tattered shadows of their quarrel that night, although a shelf alcove remains empty of the vase he'd shattered and has yet to replace. "It did. It gave the appearance I had one thing to hide when in reality it was something else I couldn't speak of." He squeezes her fingers in the promise. Thank you. The telepathic communication drags the emotions attached in its wake, gratitude and love for her both, surety that her word is her bond.
"I love these men in different ways." He meets her gaze and holds it. "I couldn't explain to you how or why it happened any more than I can explain how or why the moment I saw you, I knew you were important. When I met them, they were prey, and I was unconscionably cruel to Steven in subsequent encounters." The sharp shame of it sizzles through the bond at the mere mention.
"It's an agony to be forgiven that which you yourself find unforgivable. To be what I am and encounter people so kind that nothing I am or can do can stand against it. I experienced that with you, too. That night." He doesn't have to clarify what he means, the night he came close to killing her the first time not to sire but simply to take, a sacrifice to his self loathing.
"Marc hated me for it. And I was contemtuous of him for that, a contempt that covered my shame, something I felt before this change in me but couldn't admit or accept. It was at the party that suddenly shifted on its axis, and I found myself face to face with a mirror of my own self-loathing in him. And this...this moment of grace where we both were falling and caught each other instead of tearing into the jugular. It soured almost immediately. We parted on bitter, angry terms, but it was a burr under my skin. A failure. A...a fault I couldn't let go. We met again when I didn't know if you were coming back to me whole or broken. Perhaps some vestigial humanity in me understood vulnerability was the only path to honesty for me. It's exceedingly rare in my existence I've been understood instinctively. It's what I found in Marc and he in me." It's why none of this could ever be a threat to her, because she understands him, too. Accepted him from the beginning.
"Steven fell in love with me. He annoyed me so much at times, always with the questions and impatience. During Tumenalia he found me caged like an animal, so close to just the monster in me he had every reason to believe I'd attack him as viciously as I had before. He extended his hand anyway. Freed me with a key. Took me home. Cleaned me up. Took no advantage when he had all the power, and I had none. Treated me like I... Like I could be someone who deserved such kindness. Androcles to my lion. So somehow this silly, innocent creature is under my skin, an iron backbone under the softness. No threat to you or to us but important. Beloved, and now you have the full truth of everything, both what I sought to hide for their sakes and would never hide for anyone's. I only needed time to recover from the ordeal of being beholden to the commands of all Crested so that I could speak of it sensibly. Most were not as kind as the two of you."
no subject
Her hand is little more than pressure. He drops his gaze to cement his awareness of the hold. This, too, is a relief, driving away the final tattered shadows of their quarrel that night, although a shelf alcove remains empty of the vase he'd shattered and has yet to replace. "It did. It gave the appearance I had one thing to hide when in reality it was something else I couldn't speak of." He squeezes her fingers in the promise. Thank you. The telepathic communication drags the emotions attached in its wake, gratitude and love for her both, surety that her word is her bond.
"I love these men in different ways." He meets her gaze and holds it. "I couldn't explain to you how or why it happened any more than I can explain how or why the moment I saw you, I knew you were important. When I met them, they were prey, and I was unconscionably cruel to Steven in subsequent encounters." The sharp shame of it sizzles through the bond at the mere mention.
"It's an agony to be forgiven that which you yourself find unforgivable. To be what I am and encounter people so kind that nothing I am or can do can stand against it. I experienced that with you, too. That night." He doesn't have to clarify what he means, the night he came close to killing her the first time not to sire but simply to take, a sacrifice to his self loathing.
"Marc hated me for it. And I was contemtuous of him for that, a contempt that covered my shame, something I felt before this change in me but couldn't admit or accept. It was at the party that suddenly shifted on its axis, and I found myself face to face with a mirror of my own self-loathing in him. And this...this moment of grace where we both were falling and caught each other instead of tearing into the jugular. It soured almost immediately. We parted on bitter, angry terms, but it was a burr under my skin. A failure. A...a fault I couldn't let go. We met again when I didn't know if you were coming back to me whole or broken. Perhaps some vestigial humanity in me understood vulnerability was the only path to honesty for me. It's exceedingly rare in my existence I've been understood instinctively. It's what I found in Marc and he in me." It's why none of this could ever be a threat to her, because she understands him, too. Accepted him from the beginning.
"Steven fell in love with me. He annoyed me so much at times, always with the questions and impatience. During Tumenalia he found me caged like an animal, so close to just the monster in me he had every reason to believe I'd attack him as viciously as I had before. He extended his hand anyway. Freed me with a key. Took me home. Cleaned me up. Took no advantage when he had all the power, and I had none. Treated me like I... Like I could be someone who deserved such kindness. Androcles to my lion. So somehow this silly, innocent creature is under my skin, an iron backbone under the softness. No threat to you or to us but important. Beloved, and now you have the full truth of everything, both what I sought to hide for their sakes and would never hide for anyone's. I only needed time to recover from the ordeal of being beholden to the commands of all Crested so that I could speak of it sensibly. Most were not as kind as the two of you."